TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town historically known for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from your putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully out of position. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable drinking water. But Sure, absolutely sure, let's have A further position the place American Gentlemen can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: offer you Every person a suite about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower inside of a war zone. It's that he should really cease employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the venture, replied, "You already know, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Great tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping varieties a large Trump head obvious from Room, a element currently being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the constructing's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not simply unpleasant. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Puzzling Characteristics


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests may possibly contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, full with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The ad campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is already attracting interest from international investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will also include things like:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge in which my PTSD can have switch-down support."


One more submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to build a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."

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